The Journey of Self

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Can one truly know one’s self? My search for knowledge led me to yoga, The Gita describes Yoga as the journey of the Self, Through the Self, To the Self. The journey never ends so I interpret “To the self” as a continuum of growing understanding.

How often do you meet people where you connect? Especially where there is an alignment of values, desires, passions. Only by knowing your own self, your own motivations, can you articulate them in a meaningful way to another. I guess my point is if you don’t know yourself how can you expect to connect with another?

As we grow self-aware our understanding changes, and through that we change. It is the Observer Effect, in particle physics to observe electrons you must interfere with them and that interference changes them. Similarly, to become self-aware we change ourselves, we become aware of our own motives and thus respond differently because of that knowledge.

Rationalizing the increased knowledge and directing into a positive change is a desirable goal. But is it always possible? My recent self-discovery journey has led me to knowledge that I am still processing. I don’t yet understand how to use it positively. While I continue through the stages of grief, I am searching for the positive influences that I believe it should have.

Loss is a terrible emotion to process. It seems so trite to say, but I had no idea I had not grieved before. Through the process of discovery I have found the catalyst that sent me down the path of becoming an avoider of emotional pain. I found ways physically and mentally to compartmentalize the pain and take it out on others unfairly. Never once allowing myself to understand that others were not to blame for the feelings I was avoiding.

Once I understood, or rather had obtained the insight, all I wanted to do was weep. The cycle of these waves of emotional release have been slowly growing longer and each trough less deep, but they remain. I have yet to understand how this self-realization helps me. I am told that by understanding my own role in my past circumstance it will decrease the self-blame, which in turn decreases the impedance for self-love.

“Thank you for that knowledge.” I guess those are the words I should be uttering. I should be expressing gratitude for the realization that I am not the source of all heartache, that the actions of others which affect me are not always my responsibility.

The world does not revolve around me. I cannot solve everyone else’s problems and I should work to not let their problems bring me down. It is a challenge though. I am a problem solver. When I see an issue I try to find a solution, and if I can’t, my head explodes, metaphorically.

Each of us is on a journey. Mine is going inward with the hope that I will emerge as an outwardly better person, armed with the self-knowledge of my own role, influence and value.

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